Glass Ceiling

I could not have known, two Springs ago, that the darkness where I found myself, held the seed from which this road trip would later be born. Unexpected shifts in professions and love, perspectives and surroundings, left me feeling shattered. I did my best to maneuver around the shards of broken glass, each with its own sharp and shimmering edge.

Sometimes I navigated the unknown with relative grace, staying in the pain until it moved into joy again. Other times I could trust that everything happens for a reason. But on one particular morning, on one particular day, I'd absolutely had it. I woke up in a rage, my heart filled with fire. I was so tired of navigating all the challenges.

I tried in many ways to muscle through the day, but the fury increased with each attempt to appease it, until, finally, I collapsed, crying "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"

I took myself for a walk along the Rio Grande, in hope that it would dispel some energy. I found myself ranting as I walked, flailing my arms in anger. But everyone and everything I tried to throw the anger at, the people I loved, God, and myself, really weren't to blame. Without something for my anger to hit, it started to melt away.

Sensing a shift in my heart, I began to slow down in surrender, until I came to a full stop on a bridge. Resting my chin on the rail, I watched the river run beneath me. As I stood there, I felt my head fill with pressure. I closed my eyes and let this pressure/anger/sadness rise out the top of my head and flow down the river. And from this flow, I felt the very distinct sensation of antlers growing out of my head and filling the entire sky.

The antlers appeared as if made of light, like the impression you see when you look at an object, then look away. I felt a deep sense of peace from this sensation rising from my head. A few minutes later, the antlers dissipated into the early evening sky.

As I walked away from the bridge in quiet awe, I remembered the kachina I'd fallen in love with, later learning that its horns symbolize the attainment of highest spiritual enlightenment.

Moments later, a tiny scrap of paper on the ground, a few feet ahead of me, caught my eye. I picked it up, and when I turned it over I was stunned to see it was a Jägermeister label, perfectly torn around an image of the antlers I had just seen and felt.

Later that night, I found myself at a Buddhist temple, and there on the altar next to Buddha, was a golden deer. When I got home, I googled, and came across this:

In the Story of Saint Hubertus, on Good Friday morning, when the faithful were crowding the churches, Hubertus, sallied forth to the chase. As he was pursuing a magnificent stag the animal turned and, as the pious legend narrates, he was astounded at perceiving a crucifix standing between its antlers, which occasioned the change of heart that let him to saintly life.